What your first bird of the year means

Dear Kelly,

Some birders say that the first bird you see in the year is a sign of what’s ahead. Now I’m afraid to peek out my window on New Year’s Day. What if I see something dangerous? Help me through this.

Bird Avoidant

Dear Bird Avoidant,

You will have to look out your window someday, but you can be careful about it. Don’t just glance up when you hear a bushtit party at your suet, for heaven’s sake. Be strategic. Consider what your backyard birds may indicate, and walk blindfolded through your home until you’ve heard just the right bird for your year.

Here is what each bird portends*:

The aforementioned bushtit: People think that bushtits are a sign of adorable things to come, but those people are idiots. Bushtits symbolize magma pouring through your side streets and melting cars, charring cat whiskers, and disrupting your medium-sized town’s watershed. Avoid bushtits.

Crow: If you see a crow first, it means that Hillary Duff will have a good year. Yes, just one person kicking off their year with a crow is great news for Hil. Command Sergeant Major Kelly, the sequel to Cadet Kelly, will be 2025’s Christmas season blockbuster.

Black-capped chickadee: Cross your fingers for this guy. If you spy a black-capped chickadee first, you will beat Bobby Flay.

Chestnut-backed chickadee: Unlike the good news of seeing her hatted cousin, seeing the chestnut-backed chickadee means you’ll die in early March. Take care.

Steller’s Jay: This means that you’ll become awfully chatty, terribly gregarious. Someone will ask you if you’re southern, but you’re not. Being a talkative Steller’s-Jay-observer also means that you will have feelings about what the bird’s name should be changed to, and you will tell people, and they won’t care about it as much as you do. 

Blue Jay: Observing a Blue Jay is a sign that you’ll watch a professional baseball game in Seattle, Washington, USA. You will be polite.

Dark-eyed junco: Your favorite cherry pitter will break. 😥

Cardinal: This year, you will write an op-ed about hotdish. You will finally learn to love Beyonce. You will be diagnosed with Raynaud’s Disease, finally answering questions about your creepy white fingers.

Mallard: Mallards are a classic indicator of increasing comfort with the underappreciated en passant. Break out that chess board. It’s your time.

White-breasted nuthatch: During winter, you’ll get a Bad Bunny song stuck in your head. By summer, you’ll sing along while you harvest tomatoes. By next New Year’s Eve, you’ll win first place at a Bad Bunny Karaoke Contest at the local Fraternal Order of the Eagles aerie.

Any kind of woodpecker: 2025 is your “Year of the A-Frame.” Simple design, infinite adventures.

*This information was gathered with the careful study and evidence-based strategies used by the most trusted astrologers.

Obviously I can’t cover every possible bird sighting, but you’re welcome to inquire in the comments and I’ll give you a heads up of exactly what you can expect this year. 

If this information didn’t reach you in time for 2025, there’s always next year! And the year after and the year and the year after… unless you see the chestnut-backed chickadee.

Kelly

Editor’s note 1 (1/1/24): Gosh, how embarrassing. Bushtits portend lava, not magma!